Captain's CornerLove is a cabin in the middle of nowhere.

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That’s right. I’m turning out of the parking lot of the strip mall next to church… making a short jump down to Home Depot for a common run-of-the-mill return. As I turn out, the idiot in the left hand lane decides he wants to be in the right hand lane… with out looking he changes lanes a mere inches from my bumper. Some how, this angers him (and not me… I figured, “Look ma, a retard… at least no one got hurt.”) and so he whips back in to the left lane, floors it to get around me and then stops directly in front of me… And then proceeds to get out of his truck… in the middle of the road. Well, being the exceptionally smart person that I am, I waited until he put his truck in park, took off his seat belt, opened the door, and stepped out. Then I drove onto the grass, pulled around him and into the Home Depot parking lot. Ah, Crisis Averted.

Except it wasn’t. The moron followed me to Home Depot. I park my car and retrieve my returns from the trunk when I hear an engine revving. I close the trunk and turn around… Just like Christine, there’s the grill of the Dodge Ram grinning at me. He floors it and stops inches from me and just keeps revving the engine. Guess what? Using an automobile as a weapon qualifies as deadly force. I drop the blinds, scoop the the phone into one hand (to call 911), and the right hand deftly finds my pocket knife, pops the blade out and flips it over all Filipino style. At this point he then acts like he’s going to get out of the truck again. I smile all nice like and say as calmly as I can muster, “Hey you crazy a-hole… this truck moves one more inch and you’ll lose a tire. You step out of it and you’ll lose something else.”

At this point he continues screaming at me, but starts to back the truck up. He tells me I need to learn how to drive (??What??), I call him an uneducated, inbred redneck, and he drives off. Weirdest thing… his wife is sitting quietly in the passenger seat the whole time.

Do you have any idea what would happen if I had my wife with me while I attempted to:

A. Run someone off the road

B. Cut him off and then get out of my truck to beat him up

and

C. Proceed to try to run him over with my truck in a parking lot??

Geez, I’d fear my wife more than the large man standing at the hood of my truck with a knife! She’d kill me! Slowly! After making me sleep on the couch for days on end.

Funny, I spent 5 years in the Chicago area and never once got involved in a violent altercation with a stranger, and yet in Rockwall, TX I get hassled by some idiot… Just goes to show you what happens when stupid tries to show off…

Wait, wasn’t this weekend’s message about Pride? Man, I wish that guy had gone to church this weekend!

P.S: I’m not nearly as tough as I sound… Sure the story happened like that, but I haven’t told you the second half… I’ve been poppin’ Tums all evening because my stomach has been in knots ever since it happened.

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Now, for those of you who don’t know, I actually attended Liberty University (Jerry Falwell’s school) for two years. The school is an amazing institution, doing a great job of raising up Christian professionals that are well educated, even if they’re slightly narrow minded… This has nothing to do with my alma mater, LU.

That said, I could not be happier that a man that on a daily basis gave believers a bad name has finally passed on. I have no doubt that he’s in heaven at this moment… and I know for a fact he’s been set straight on numerous topics.

For those of you who can’t fathom why I’d say such things… here’s a few quotes from the “Reverend”:

• “I hope she’s the candidate,” Rev. Jerry Falwell said, “because nothing will energize my [constituency] like Hillary Clinton.” He added, “If Lucifer ran, he wouldn’t.”

  –That’s right, Hilary Clinton is worse than Satan… now I don’t like her (AT ALL), but that’s going a bit far!

• (In response to 9/11) “God continues to lift the curtain and allow the enemies of America to give us probably what we deserve.” … “I really believe that the pagans, and the abortionists, and the feminists, and the gays and the lesbians who are actively trying to make that an alternative lifestyle, the ACLU, People For the American Way, all of them who have tried to secularize America. I point the finger in their face and say ‘you helped this happen’.”
• –In response to this Lewis Black (a comedian) said, “He [Jerry Falwell] said that God told him that these people were responsible [for 9/11]… Well that’s odd, because God called me 12 hours before, and he said that the reason he was upset was because of people like Jerry Falwell.”
• “I do not believe the homosexual community deserves minority status. One’s misbehavior does not qualify him or her for minority status. Blacks, Hispanics, women, etc. are God-ordained minorities who do indeed deserve minority status.”

  –Last I checked being in a group smaller than the majority made you, by definition, a minority. By the way, according to the 2000 census, women make up 51% of the population…and are therefore not a minority… Bigoted and stupid in one sentence!

• “I think Mohammed was a terrorist.” -said on 60 Minutes
• “And we’re going to invite PETA [to "Wild Game Night"] as our special guest, P-E-T-A — People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals. We want you to come, we’re going to give you a top seat there, so you can sit there and suffer. This is one of my special groups, another one’s the ACLU, another is the NOW — the National Order of Witches [actually the National Organization for Women].” –How do statements like this show God’s love for those who think differently than you?
• If you’re not a born-again Christian, you’re a failure as a human being.
• AIDS is not just God’s punishment for homosexuals; it is God’s punishment for the society that tolerates homosexuals.
• The ACLU is to Christians what the American Nazi party is to Jews.

I could spend all day pointing out the hateful, bigoted things this man has said since his career as a “reverend” began nearly 50 years ago, because he has always been like this. He proclaimed what he said was the “Message of Christ” but was really a “Gospel of Hate” that had been warped by his intolerance for those who disagreed with him.

I feel sympathy for the loved ones he left behind, but I know that this country and this world will be a better place without him.

May his influence die with him, and may no one bother to take his place… amen.

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