So, when I got home this afternoon I decided to ask my wife a series of loaded questions. They went something like this:
Me: Hey honey, how was your day?
Ann: Fine I guess, I haven’t done much yet… just been resting and taking it easy.
Me: Hey, umm… did you almost get run off the road by some jerk off who was road-ragin’ pretty bad?
Ann: Ummm… no… I’ve been home all day.
Me: So, did you, shortly thereafter almost get in a knife fight because the same crazed idiot followed you into the Home Depot parking lot and try to run you over with his truck and then get out to finish the job?
Ann: No… did something happen?
Me: Well, you’re day hasn’t been nearly as exciting as mine!
That’s right. I’m turning out of the parking lot of the strip mall next to church… making a short jump down to Home Depot for a common run-of-the-mill return. As I turn out, the idiot in the left hand lane decides he wants to be in the right hand lane… with out looking he changes lanes a mere inches from my bumper. Some how, this angers him (and not me… I figured, “Look ma, a retard… at least no one got hurt.”) and so he whips back in to the left lane, floors it to get around me and then stops directly in front of me… And then proceeds to get out of his truck… in the middle of the road. Well, being the exceptionally smart person that I am, I waited until he put his truck in park, took off his seat belt, opened the door, and stepped out. Then I drove onto the grass, pulled around him and into the Home Depot parking lot. Ah, Crisis Averted.
Except it wasn’t. The moron followed me to Home Depot. I park my car and retrieve my returns from the trunk when I hear an engine revving. I close the trunk and turn around… Just like Christine, there’s the grill of the Dodge Ram grinning at me. He floors it and stops inches from me and just keeps revving the engine. Guess what? Using an automobile as a weapon qualifies as deadly force. I drop the blinds, scoop the the phone into one hand (to call 911), and the right hand deftly finds my pocket knife, pops the blade out and flips it over all Filipino style. At this point he then acts like he’s going to get out of the truck again. I smile all nice like and say as calmly as I can muster, “Hey you crazy a-hole… this truck moves one more inch and you’ll lose a tire. You step out of it and you’ll lose something else.”
At this point he continues screaming at me, but starts to back the truck up. He tells me I need to learn how to drive (??What??), I call him an uneducated, inbred redneck, and he drives off. Weirdest thing… his wife is sitting quietly in the passenger seat the whole time.
Do you have any idea what would happen if I had my wife with me while I attempted to:
A. Run someone off the road
B. Cut him off and then get out of my truck to beat him up
C. Proceed to try to run him over with my truck in a parking lot??
Geez, I’d fear my wife more than the large man standing at the hood of my truck with a knife! She’d kill me! Slowly! After making me sleep on the couch for days on end.
Funny, I spent 5 years in the Chicago area and never once got involved in a violent altercation with a stranger, and yet in Rockwall, TX I get hassled by some idiot… Just goes to show you what happens when stupid tries to show off…
Wait, wasn’t this weekend’s message about Pride? Man, I wish that guy had gone to church this weekend!
P.S: I’m not nearly as tough as I sound… Sure the story happened like that, but I haven’t told you the second half… I’ve been poppin’ Tums all evening because my stomach has been in knots ever since it happened.